Falling in love...

I think I am falling in love for the first time and it's with myself!

        You must be thinking how does one get to that point? Well for me, it hasn't been a short process but instead, a long journey because, let's face it, falling in love with yourself is an ongoing task but I believe it's the most important one. Loving yourself is making the conscious decision to accept who you are, flaws and all. It's also you deciding to go against the popular ideas of a social media-driven culture, which can be quite damaging to self-esteem. In my opinion, being positive and learning how to love yourself is the hardest thing to do, it's, even more, harder than being negative and putting yourself down. So, I thought it would be great to share my experience and how I got to a better place within myself.
        First and foremost, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that my mindset is 100% healthier because like I said before, loving yourself is an ongoing process. I'm going to start by making it clear that this did not start because I went away to another place, I'm not going to feed you the "I had to go away to find myself" line. I believe that finding yourself comes from within, it doesn't matter where you are but I will admit that sometimes a change of environment can help you along the way and maybe be that one last push you were looking for. The decision to go away has been a part of my personal growth, I will admit that, but it wasn't what led me to where I am today. What led me was being able to find God through all the storm clouds that stopped me from seeing who I really was. Before, I was standing in a mirror that was very blurry; I had no sense of identity or knew what my purpose was but now the mirror is starting to get clearer as I decided to come face to face with some of my deep seeded issues and trying to actively change my life for the better. I did this in the following ways:

1. I got rid of toxic people in my life
The first thing I had to do was look at who I had around me. You have to be really careful with who you let into your personal space because when it is toxic around, you tend to produce that very same toxic. You got to PROTECT your spirit or, in other words, your "VIBE"! For me, there were people I knew that were definitely toxic and then there were others who I didn't know but God knew. The people who God knew just disappeared out of my life for no reason and, at the time, it used to bother me because I didn't understand why but I've learned to just let them go.  On the other hand, the people who I knew were toxic and had to be cleaned out of my life weren't that easy to get rid of, especially when they were people who were a part of my family or someone I was dating. Those toxic energies really affected my way of thinking, my behavior, and how I viewed myself ... But once I was able to be free of them mentally, physically, and emotionally, which I could not do by my own strength but through prayer and trusting God's strength, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that allowed me to walk away or for them to just be removed from my life. One way that I was able to let go of any negative emotions brought on by these specific people was by writing them a letter in which I let all my feelings out and told them I forgave them, that was my biggest RELEASE of this year. By doing so, I felt like I was able to heal and move on and TRUST me once those people are gone it gives you room to meet good people.

2. Started to get to know me (through God) 

The second thing I had to do was face myself and God and ask "who am I"? This is such a big question, who can truly answer this? Most of us struggle with the question of "tell me about yourself." I really had to dig deep with this one because I felt like this one was a very big task. Let me be honest with you guys again, some of you who know me or have met me might've thought that I was a really confident person and I know this because I've been told, but what you don't know is that I suffer from the lack of confidence. I have always taken a big practice in "faking it until you make it," however, that wasn't enough because I wanted to feel and gain actual confidence. What's been helping me gain true confidence is continually getting to know who I am in Christ, despite what everyone else might think they know about me. In order to find out who God said I was, I had to go to the first (obvious) source, the bible, which showed a list of things that God says his children are: highly favored (special), chosen/marked, bold/confident, righteous, courageous and the list goes on... The next thing I had to do was actually believe those things so I started saying them, reminding myself of them any time I felt doubt and that's like most of the time, I swear I'm doubting Tom (bible joke, if you know, you know).  I also decided to pay attention to what I like and don't like and my skills and talent and what I can do, instead of what I can't do.

3. Learning to accept my flaws

Now, this next one is a really really hard one because we live in a culture that tells us that looking a certain way makes you more attractive. It's very inescapable too because you see it everywhere, Instagram, movies/tv, ads, the models on online stores, etc. They really promote unrealistic views of appearance, especially the body. As a result, this creates unhealthy practices. For me, I never really had a problem with my body until after high school when I went away to university. I think I was at a healthy weight when living at home but in my first year away and with the task of cooking for myself and the constant stress of school, I began to lose weight. One of the big factors that made me become more bodily aware was through my past relationship. When you have someone constantly complaining about assets they believe you are missing, pressuring you to always be in the gym working those "assets" or telling you if they had the money they would let you alter your body, can have such a big negative effect on the way you view yourself. I became obsessed with body image and it became worse after breaking off that relationship. I was hitting the gym all the time but instead of gaining, I was losing more weight because I was only eating one meal a day. Friends and family at that time were so concerned because they really could not recognize me anymore, I couldn't recognize me anymore. I was stuck between wanting to have curves and bigger assets in the right places but also wanting a smaller waist and keeping at a slimmer weight, basically, I wanted the "hourglass" figure.  This is still an ongoing struggle for me but one thing that I have to constantly remind myself is that most of these "ideals" are not realistic and if I want to change something about myself I have to do it in a healthy way and it has to be something I want not anyone else. 
  
A final thing that I want to express is a bible verse that has stuck with me all throughout, which is Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." I interpret this verse as saying that we must be really careful with who or what we allow ourselves to be open to spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically because it can determine our actions and the paths we decide to take in life. So, one last piece of advice that I have to give you all is to be careful with your heart and KNOW YOUR WORTH because if you don't, you will just settle for things in life, and sis (or bro lol) YOU DON'T WANT to settle, never sell yourself short of what you are capable of doing or achieving.

And always remember to Love yourself FIRST!